Advising Youths On Their Issues – 10

Healthy Marital Relationship

Marriage is said to be the Divine Institution that set rights individuals and paves the way for a flourishing society. It’s a fact that the Divine blessings have always been hovered under devil’s ill designs and when it comes to marriage, the possibility of loads of problems ranging from likes and dislikes to rights and wrongs can’t be ruled out. But to be honest nothing suffices to gamut of spouse’s disagreement but elements of love and mutual trust coupled with a timely guidance.

Our youths have something to say about their marital lives. Questions are many, we will be dealing in three installments, the first one “Towards Happy Married Life”, the second one “Doubts and Clarifications” and the final one “Marital Problems”. However the questions are random and don’t cover the whole conception of marital relationship. Let us delve and see what best can be done to strengthen the marital ties.

Towards Happy Married Life

(45) What gift should I give to my husband?

A continued loving and caring attitude towards husband is the greatest gift that a wife can offer. The attitude, shown with such a magnificent gesture, should add to the dignity, morality and status of a husband. Just think what best can be done to offer a memorable gift as a mark of your intense love and emotions. The following can be added to your bucket list:

  • A nice dish
  • A good book
  • Sweater, stitched with your hands
  • Clothes
  • Just stitch his torn clothes, if any, and put them in the cupboard.
  • Any of his favorite things
  • Make it a habit to lean and sleep in his lap
  • Assign a best nickname
  • Make it a habit to feel happy when he is happy
  • A ring with gem matching his personality
  • A surprise trip to an exotic location
  • An album of old pics
  • A handwritten letter, narrating some of the nicest moments shared together.

Some gifts are required to be given without prior notice and some gifts to be given in such a way that husband knows about it on some other day.

(46) How do I get along with my wife?

A wife is often referred to as a better half. It means she is a part of her husband. She has been created out of the rib of her man. We know the ribs cover the heart and provides comfort to the body, so is a woman to man, she has been made for her man to be a protector of his heart and provider of comfort.

The man-woman union is a unique aspect of human lives and regarded as one of the signs of Allah same as the giant celestial objects like sun and moon. A wife for her husband and a husband for his wife is no less sign than those heavenly objects.

وَمِنۡ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦۤ أَنۡ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنۡ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَزۡوَٲجً۬ا لِّتَسۡكُنُوٓاْ إِلَيۡهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيۡنَڪُم مَّوَدَّةً۬ وَرَحۡمَةً‌ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٲلِكَ لَأَيَـٰتٍ۬ لِّقَوۡمٍ۬ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. (Ch 30 – Ar-Rum: 21)

The age old saying, marriages are made in heavens, reveals the reality, so getting along with a spouse is but natural. However there are some cautious attempts that need to be initiated.  Mutual endeavors coupled with a caring attitude of the spouses are bound to tighten their relationship to the fittest possible extent. The following suggestions can be helpful:

  • Unconditional Love
  • A sense of togetherness
  • A sense of belongingness
  • Merciful acts
  • A belief of being an apparel of each other
  • Trust and confidence
  • A sense of owning
  • Helpful and well wisher
  • Less expectations more hope

For a happy and prosperous married life the onus of responsibility and weigh will be more on husband as he is physically and mentally strong enough to cope with internal and external problems. A woman being weak by her existence suffers a lot along with her own routine complications, added to this are loads of problems that she faces same as a man do. Therefore woman should have a benefit of being woman.

For an upright conjugal relationship attempt of both does matter but husband is more responsible, this has to be in mind. The greatness of a husband holds good only if he is very kind to his wife. 

(47) What to do my husband has stopped loving me passionately?

It’s unfortunate to hear that. He used to love you passionately in the past means the future has a hope, there are fair chances of getting him back in your fold and cherish the same old golden days.

One thing is sure, there must be some reasons for the reduction in his passion towards you, and this kind of situation doesn’t arise all of a sudden. There has to be a period of a gradual detachment and you probably well aware of that. It is only you who can analyze that “gradual period of detachment” and come out with some reasons for the decrease in his passionate attitude towards you. The following queries will help you analyze better:

  • Look at yourself, do you find any change in your attitude? The way you used to behave with him is the same?
  • Are you equally concern about his day today affairs even after the lapse period?
  • Do you share your personal things with him? Do you hide anything? 
  • How is your homely atmosphere and how your children behave with him? 
  • Do you spare time with him and share lighter moments together?
  • Do you know what kind of situation your husband is in? Is he comfortable with his job or business?
  • Do you think of any sexual angle in it? Is he got involved in an affair with someone else?
  • Have you ever analyzed how your husband feels about you and your attitude?
  • Do you think that yours love got distributed among the children? 
  • Is there any financial crisis? Or is there any debt on his head?
  • What about his health conditions?

By means of such exploratory aspects you can probe the matter and give a try for the betterment.

One thing is sure, that the present condition can’t be termed as an outcome of one-sided attitude. There is more or less involvement of both in the prevailing condition. Try to find out the solution on your own. Be realistic. Seek forgiveness from God. Keep the honor and privacy of the matter as this exclusively belongs to both of you. If needed take advice from your nearest ones. If the problem still remains, better consult a family counselor. 

(48) Being a housewife, how can I be an equal leader in running a family?

The role of a woman in her home has its own jurisdiction, a clear perception of which is quite beneficial and contributes to an effective feminine leadership.

A wife is supposed to take charge of the home and kids and take care of her husband. In these areas her leadership is unmatched. She is the boss and can manage things at her will.

By convention this leadership concept seems to be true, ideal mothers of great personalities have set an example of a similar stature.

When it comes to joint familial matters, husband and wife have to ensure a collective leadership. Both should try to discharge the responsibilities with precise harmonization of thoughts and actions. Here, a decent understanding and coordination between the spouses matters the most.

(49) My husband becomes a different person as soon as we step out of home?

I am not aware since when you both got married. If you are a newly married couple, just relax, nothing to worry, it happens, things will change soon. As you both need to understand each other.

If you are married long back and feel the same means a clear indication of some definite reasons. Few men don’t prefer to talk to their wives when they are out along with them. They may not feel, sometimes, the necessity of acknowledging whatever their wives say. They may not perceive things as a wife do. They may feel quite uncomfortable in the crowded places. They may not be that sensitive to their inexpressible emotions…. there may be many possibilities.

So don’t worry as you are not always out with him. When in good mood share your feelings and make him understand what exactly you think when you both go out and tell him how his attitudes disrupt your mood.

Remember in all kind of situations your cool approach and sensible handling plays a vital role.

(50) Why do wives get angry when their husbands watch porn? Why does it hurt them?

A husband wife relationship is purely based on love and mutual trust. When factor like disloyalty or immorality appears, anyone for that matter would get angry and raise an objection. When a husband watches porn, wife perceives the act as a kind of disloyalty and unethical and the reaction is obvious, she gets angry, scolds him and expresses her anguish.

Similar will be the case if the same act is being done by a wife, in no way a husband is going to remain mute.

I think we need to contemplate over such issues and understand the actual reasons as to why such indecent things happen and become a cause for embarrassing moments.

You may agree with me, one factor strongly favors and that’s about “satisfaction and comfort”. If the camaraderie of the spouses lacks comfort, when both don’t become a cause of solace to their hearts, such unpleasant things are bound to happen. Then the question would bear no authenticity if anyone asks why this? Perhaps why it happened would be the most appropriate thing to ask.

The act of watching porn reflects either a dissatisfied or over-enthusiast being. It’s the responsibility of a wife to take care of her husband and try to fulfill his needs with due respect to his emotions. It is as essential as preparing fresh food for him and taking care of his clothes and looks. 

All popular cultures and traditions strictly admonish a wife that her husband has got specific rights and it’s mandatory on her to uphold the rights and try to provide him with the required comfort. There we find a stern warning too that in the martial relationship even a slightest negligence could be fatal.

That’s why the doors of rejection and unresponsiveness from the wife side have been completely closed; if not other doors will open as is the case of watching porn is here. See how effectively Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) admonishes:

وَالَّذِی نَفسِی بِیدِہِ مَا مِن رَجُلٍ یَدعُو امرَاَتَہُ اِلی فِرَاشِہَا فتابٰی عَلِیہِ اِلَّا کَان الَّذِی فِی السَّمَاء ِ سَاخِطًا عَلِیَہا حَتٰی یَرضیٰ عَنہَا

By Him in Whose hand is my life, when a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond, the One Who is in the heaven is displeased with her until he (her husband) is pleased with her (Muslim).

In spite of all precautionary and corrective measures taken by his wife if a husband feels that he is a bit over-enthusiast then he should try to direct his emotions by means of permissible and lawful ways. 

…………

© Muhammad Abdullah Javed – May 2016


Do you need further clarifications or want to say something? feel free to post your comments below or contact: [mdabdullahjaved@gmail.com].


Articles in Urdu @:

https://muhammadabdullahjaved.wordpress.com/

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4 thoughts on “Advising Youths On Their Issues – 10

  1. Well written. The article loosk like as if you are answering to qustions raised by a women about her husband.

    Like

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