Married Life – Doubts and Clarifications
In continuation to our series on “Healthy Marital relationship” , here I am with the second installment comprises of bunch of queries which are more or less on doubts and clarifications. The Younger ones have expressed some of their practical difficulties, let us see what all they have to say:
(51) Why does a housewife feel insecure about her husband?
If the insecure feelings are about your husband’s well-being then don’t worry it’s your love towards him and if those uncertain feelings are about his whereabouts with a skeptic mind, you have to worry as suspicion is overtaking your love.
Actually you need to feel intensely, from deep within, that your husband is yours by all means. No one is inferior or superior; rather you both are part of each other. With an all encompassing feelings of togetherness you both are apparel for one another. You should fill the gap where your husband is lacking and allow him to do the same. You should become his strength and let him make you strong. This mutual articulation of feelings makes the relationship immortal and husband and wife bound to have a vibrant fervor of belongingness.
I am not sure of what sorts of problems you have? Find out the reasons why is that you are experiencing insecure feelings. What I suggest is try to be your husband’s wife, in real sense. He is yours by all means. Never feel insecure, rather increase your proximity with him.
If you have any specific problems you should directly and politely discuss with him, it works.
If you have any kind of doubts about him then apply the same procedure as said apart from analyzing yourself. It is important because sometimes the elements of doubt arise due to fault of others and the self also. Try to build your trust on him. It’s your trust that sets him right. It’s your concern and loving and caring attitude that never allows him to look here and there.
Remember for all sorts of minor and major problems, your love and affection plays an important role; try to build your relationship on the bases of selfless love. Because most of the time it is the lack of love that causes serious damages to the relationship. So the root cause of marital problems is not feuds but absence of love, not lack of sources but misunderstanding.
(52) Is it safe for a housewife to earn from home jobs?
Yes you can, but it depends on the following:
- If the overall financial conditions demand that both husband and wife should work.
- Your husband agrees with the nature of your job.
- The job shouldn’t disturb your routine work at home.
- The job shouldn’t be a threat, in any way, to your chastity and dignity.
If you qualify these prerequisites, a job will be an advantage for the family.
(53) My husband lied about his past and I think he is still hiding things from me?
Remember, even after marriage, both husband and wife have their own individual identity and privacy; it has to be accepted and respected. In furtherance to this understanding, the only thing that binds your relationship with your husband and cultivates love in his heart is your immense trust on him.
Do trust him and if you find anything that disturbs you, just let him know in a dignified manner. Don’t behave in a way that he may feel a kind of hindrance in his privacy or feel that you lack confidence in him. You are not an authority over your husband but a companion and true well-wisher. Your association with him is meant for love, care and growth and this has to be the only outcome of your living together. If you trust and just neglect the human weaknesses, it will add charm to your relationship.
The lively bonding between husband and wife develops only when there exist a two sided-love. Try and built your persona in a way that you love your husband intensely. If your husband is looking here and there for pleasure and if he is hiding anything by chance means you lack something. Be a part of his heart and thinking. Be a supportive of his vision.
The beauty of the spouses’s relationship is that both share their strengths and weaknesses. The strength of your husband gets doubled in its measure when it includes yours and his weaknesses go down to the lowest with your realistic attitude. You know the human nature is “to err” so whenever your husband commits any mistake, just forgive and overlook him, rather cover his weakness with your utmost love. And allow your husband to do the same when you commit any mistake. The realization of these noble thoughts is the actual essence of a prosperous married life. To be a persistent embodiment of an ideal married life the motto has to be:
هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَهُنَّ
They are as apparel to you and you are as apparel to them (Ch 2 – Al-Baqarah: 187)
Have you ever pondered why the saying “behind every successful man there is a woman” is so prevalent? It is because if that woman happens to be a wife means that she was an inspiration for her husband all the way. What all he did was through her mind and heart. He was confident in the field because she was a personification of true love and the home was an abode of peace. So, be positive, strictly avoid suspicious attitude, and build your camaraderie on the strong foundations of zest and zeal.
(54) What is the advice for a person who is to choose between his mother and his wife?
It happens when you live with a joint family that at some point of time you need to prefer any one or both or just keep mum. It all depends on how you ensure your overall attitude towards your family members. Try to be honest and transparent and let everyone know your in and out, and what’s your likes and dislikes are. Let everyone be aware that you always stand for truth and never budge for anything that disturbs the family peace.
See, mother has a highest position listed; her status is far superior to anyone on earth. She has given birth to you with tons of unexplainable pains. Her days and nights have been passed just to nourish you in the best possible ways. You need to revere your mother and serve her selflessly. She is your Paradise.
As far wife, she is your better half. She completely relies on you. She has left everything for your sake. She bears your children and gives birth to them. There is no one who can take care of her as best as you can. She is by you and you are by her.
These two personalities are quite important; rather they are your life. You shouldn’t go to weigh their relationship. Mother is mother, nobody can take her position. You should give priority to her as owing to her sacrifices and age she needs love and care more than your wife. Whereas, when it comes to your wife you can always convince her as you spend more time with her than with the mother.
Both have got their rights. For upholding the rights you shouldn’t mingle them. Here more than importance, priority comes first. Though serving mother has got highest reward but when your wife feels pain, taking her to doctor is a priority. Similarly spending quality time with love and affection with wife is inevitable, but when your mother is unwell you should give priority to her.
If mother happens to be a single one, with you as only son, then reverence for her should be even more in gesture. Let your wife feel that she is more than a daughter-in-law to her and she lives and serves none but her own mother.
Sometimes the situation demands that you have to take a decision in a strict yes or no terms. At the time of such a delicate situation, take your wife in confidence first and try to find out the solution with her assistance, later even if the decision goes against her, she won’t mind. Or if the situation warrants take your mother in confidence and go ahead with the same procedure. It all depends on sensitiveness of the situation and emotive levels of your mother and wife.
Analyze the situation and deal accordingly. Don’t let anyone know that you are a “Mama’s boy” or a “Honey’s Hubby”. Be familiar as a caring son and a loving husband who knows well how to deal with the situation with wisdom and affection.
(55) Do you think housewives should be paid or not?
Let there be a difference between a housewife and a maid my friend. I don’t know why one tends to think this way? If it is a valid question, then why not we should discuss about paying woman for delivering babies? Parents for nurturing the children? Elder sisters for taking care of the younger ones? And why not about grandparents if they stay at home and help and play with their grandchildren?
I think the main reason for such a query is an understanding that wife is a different entity; she has just conjugal rights with her husband. But that’s not true. A woman sacrifices loads of things and then becomes someone’s better half. So it becomes imperative on the part of a husband to let her feel that everything of him belongs to her. She has rights over his earnings too. If she gets a definite portion from her husband’s salary every month it will facilitate her to take care of herself and her children. When the children, house and everything belongs to both then why not the financial burden be evenly distributed between them, after all both have their well-defined rights:
وَلَهُنَّ مِثۡلُ ٱلَّذِى عَلَيۡہِنَّ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِۚ وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَيۡہِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ۬ۗ
And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise (Ch 2 – Al-Baqarah:228)
Being a mother, it’s the prime responsibility of your wife to take care of the children, if she does not get sufficient amount to spend on herself and children, she is allowed to take your amount even without your knowledge. It is absolutely permissible for her. Once the same incident happen at the time of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh):
Hind, the wife of Abu Sufyan, came to the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and complained, saying: “O Messenger of Allah! Abu Sufyan is a stingy man who does not provide for me what is sufficient for me and my children. Is there any sin upon me if I take from his wealth without his knowledge?
The Prophet (peace be upon him) replied: “Take from his wealth what suffices you and your children according to customary usage.” (Bukhari & Muslim).
© Muhammad Abdullah Javed – May 2016
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