Advising Youths On Their Issues – 12

The Marital Problems

The last installment of the series, Healthy Marital Relationship, consists of marital problems. We all know after a period of time, the husband and wife relationship gets various connotations to be remembered, in fact there are innumerable jokes and lighter comments.

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To be honest, this relationship has its own sacredness. It has wishes and desires of parents and dear ones. Though two souls join together to make a marriage successful, but in their joining hundreds of souls get connected directly and indirectly. So when we talk of the husband wife relationship, we actually delve with the emotions of two souls along with high hopes of family and the society. Keeping this sacredness of the relationship in view, let us lend ears to what the present-age generation has to say:

(56) What are the main causes for a distasteful relationship of the spouses?

The distasteful relationship at times appears to be at the verge of extinction. It’s the responsibility of spouses to add elements of love and mutual trust to rejuvenate the relationship and bring back that fascinating and charming bond.

The actuality of relationship of the spouses has to be viewed as a multidimensional unit. There has to be a keen analytical observation on the roles and responsibilities of the spouses. In any relationship, the worsening factor can’t be ascribed to anyone, both share causes, the possible ones are:

On a husband’s part:

  • Lack of loving and caring attitude
  • Unmindful of wife’s strength and weaknesses
  • Unnecessary control and over interference 
  • Moody attitude
  • Frequent lies
  • Lack of trust
  • Spending less time at home
  • Imbalance coordination between parents and in-laws
  • More concentration on personal work
  • Unnecessary control over household expenditure
  • Post marital relationships
  • Inconsiderable amount for personal expenditure
  • Less attention on children
  • Not fulfilling the necessary requirements of the spouse
  • Too much involvement of friend

On a wife’s part:

  • Lack of loving attitude
  • Lack of caring attitude
  • Disloyalty
  • No concentration on household activities
  • Poor co-ordination with in laws
  • Lack of understanding of husband’s nature of job
  • Uncontrolled expenditure
  • Never ending wish list
  • Frequent lies
  • Lack of trust

There are some common reasons too, like incompatibility, infidelity and violence. The consolidated foundation of an ideal relationship depends on sustained efforts and a clear understanding that the spouses share their strengths and weaknesses, it’s their common property. No one is allowed to single out and point a finger. Mutual cooperation for rectification and reconciliation is always a welcome move and it contributes to unimaginable healthy results.

(57) I am a housewife, tenth pass, knows household work, tired of depending on husband for money, how do I become independent?

Being a wife it’s your responsibility to remind your husband of his duties and responsibilities. Whenever find time and when in good mood try to bring into his notice the repercussions that you face due to lack of his moral and financial support. Tell him what kind of impacts it exert on the day to day affairs and on the needs of the kids. Tell him how you are being compelled to compromise with the quality of work at home.

It’s your right to get a definite share from your husband’s income, no matter whether you spend it on your own or on children. The house, the kids and all that is being done within the four walls related to both.

Even after loads of efforts if you didn’t get any financial assistance then you can earn from your home, the following can be the best options:

  • Tuition for kids
  • Cooking
  • Data entry and other online jobs, if you can afford.
  • Adult education
  • Small business
  • Tailoring

Strategically speaking, let your husband know of your financial activities, and let him feel that you’re being put into hardship of earning and taking care of the household activities because of his sheer negligence.

(58) My husband makes fun of me in front of my kids, I don’t have enough qualification, how to handle the situation?

Very sad to hear, he is actually making fun of his own destiny. It’s a fact that our children live with us, by virtue of our position and role they are actually exposed to both heaven and hell. If the spouses are morally high they teach their children what good conduct is all about and that makes their future like heaven. If not, their children are left with nothing but the lowest of immortality; they routinely get exposed to one or the other kind of misbehavior that eventually make their life miserable. This attitude of the spouses directly or indirectly teaches their children of rude attitude and in future they probably don’t mind in misbehaving with their spouses.

I wonder why your husband is spoiling children’s present and the future by making your fun. Is he really a literate? No, literacy should imbibe Godly manners else that literacy is far worse than the ignorance. Bear the situation with patience. When in alone let your husband know how much you suffer because of his misbehavior and what kind of impact does it exert on your kid’s conduct.

Introspect yourself if knowing and learning anything seems to be essential then go ahead else don’t ever develop inferior complex. The way you have crisply narrated the situation reflects your caliber. You are good and capable of handling the situation.

Remember, it is an obligation on you to train your children and mould their characters to the best of standards. Don’t scold or say anything indecent about your husband in front of the kids, it will spoil their characters and further deteriorate the situation.

It’s a testing time for you, when accompanying husband along with children you might have to listen to loose talks and when alone with children you need to brush their mind and heart of the ill effects and feelings. This is a great responsibility indeed and it speaks of your greatness, good. Keep it up, let perseverance and wisdom be your tools to tackle the situation.

(59) How can I hack my wife’s WatssApp?

It’s mutual trust that strengthens the husband-wife relationship; if it is lost nothing can provide comfort. In spite of staying together, they literally feel a gulf between. So, don’t even think of such useless tricks.  Trust your wife she is by all means your better half. mark the words, trust is the outcome of your selfless and intense love.

(60) How can I leave my wife?

This sort of negative thought in your mind is a question mark on your credibility. If, owing to some unexplainable problems, a wife wants separation that’s a different matter, but for every highs and lows if husbands think of abandoning their wives, it would be a disaster, both morally and socially.

I feel like a prerequisite of our association that we should try to be honest is suggesting things. I would suggest a strict NO, you shouldn’t leave her. Try to manage her. Convince her. Try to understand what actually she wants. Keep open the doors for a two way communication. Consult your close relatives and friends. If by chance any one of you requires, please go ahead with the counseling.

As a husband, we should remember that a woman becomes wife after leaving everything, not only her parents, family members’ friends and belongings but her virginity too. Its only husband that supposed to suffice her as an excellent alternative to what she has left and sacrificed. So thinking of leaving her can be greater than a sheer betrayal on her part.

Try to strengthen your relationship, love her and provide her with comfort so that she can love you. Provide her with ample space to live with you the way she wants. Try every possible thing to make her your better half in real sense. What I believe is, on this earth we are actually helping the God’s Marital Scheme by strengthening our relationship, as it’s the only relation that can be formed and dissolved, rest of the relationship remain intact no matter what. So be a Divine Agency for strengthening the marital ties.

The Separation & Divorce Trends:

The major concern of today’s generation is a rising trend of separation among them. There were few more queries directly related to separation and divorce, so instead of answering them separately, would like to delve with a common note.

When it comes to marital relationships, the trends of divorce and separation are absolutely unwarranted. Marriages are never meant for it. Though surgery is inevitable, but for every disease it can’t be made mandatory. Just imagine what would happen to the fate of humans if for every disease, surgery is made mandatory? To specify today’s trend of separation this is an apt parable. The availability of options of getting rid of marital ties has minimized the bearable capacity of youths and there seems to be negligible attention on reconciliation and maintenance of the relationship.

Divorce is blot on manliness as it opens the doors of a deserted life for a woman. The world divorce rate is increasing at alarming rate, see the pic.

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Just give a pause and think, do you find any instance where you see returning or abandoning a precious thing? Do you know any such instance; take for example expensive jewelry, designer clothes and luxury car? You would hardly find any, isn’t it? Then why is that the marriage, which is being performed with all careful considerations, ends up so abruptly? Where the fault lies? Do we forget to weigh the womanhood as it has to be, is the worth of a woman is far less than those precious things?

Towards Happy Marital Relationship

Husband-wife relationship is the only one in the world that can be formed and dissolved; the rests are blood and familial bonding that remain no matter what. Love plays a pivotal role and a cohesive force that cements the relationship. Love is not a space and time restriction to be specific to particular phase of a day. Actually it defines the moments of a sense of respect and an intense madness. Love is an impetus that gets reflected through caring and sharing attitudes. Strengthen your relationship with love and mercy as its tenacious base. Then even blinks of an eye say it all and even a slightest glimpse of an attitude help understand the likes and dislikes of the spouse. The ideal of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has an inspiring moral:

عَنْ عَائِشَةَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهَا، قَالَتْ: قَالَ لِي رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «إِنِّي لَأَعْلَمُ إِذَا كُنْتِ عَنِّي رَاضِيَةً، وَإِذَا كُنْتِ عَلَيَّ غَضْبَى» قَالَتْ: فَقُلْتُ: مِنْ أَيْنَ تَعْرِفُ ذَلِكَ؟ فَقَالَ: أَمَّا إِذَا كُنْتِ عَنِّي رَاضِيَةً، فَإِنَّكِ تَقُولِينَ: لاَ وَشَرِّ مُحَمَّدٍ، وَإِذَا كُنْتِ عَلَيَّ غَضْبَى، قُلْتِ: لاَ وَرَبِّ إِبْرَاهِيمَ قَالَتْ: قُلْتُ: أَجَلْ وَاللَّهِ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ، مَا أَهْجُرُ إِلَّا اسْمَكَ 

Hazrat Aisha ( may Allah be pleased with her) reported that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was telling her: “I know well when you are pleased or angry from me. Aisha replied: How you know that? He said: When you are pleased with me you swear by saying “By the God of Muhammad” but when you are angry you swear by saying “By the God of Ibrahim”. She said: You are right, I just desert your name but in no way I can be angry on you” (Musnad e Ahmed). 

………………

© Muhammad Abdullah Javed – May 2016

Do you need further clarifications or want to say something? feel free to post your comments below or contact: [mdabdullahjaved@gmail.com]


Articles in Urdu @:

https://muhammadabdullahjaved.wordpress.com/

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